“No bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another.” (6:164)
In recent years, the concept of childhood trauma has taken even more of center stage in discussions about ‘mental health’ and personal development, especially in secular psychology. While no one denies that childhood experiences shape an individual, the modern psychological framework- deeply influenced by secular ideologies- often portrays childhood trauma as the sole or primary determinant of a person’s future. This idea, though widespread, is fundamentally flawed and has led to a culture of blame, victimhood, and resentment, particularly towards parents.
The Problem with Secular Psychology’s Trauma Narrative
Secular psychology, particularly in its modern materialistic and capitalist form, tends to be reductionist- oversimplifying human behaviour by attributing struggles and suffering to past events rather than considering broader influences such as personal agency, faith, and moral responsibility. The dominant belief is that if someone faces difficulties in adulthood- be it anxiety, depression, relationship struggles, or poor decision-making—these must be traced back to ‘childhood trauma.’ This ideology essentially tells people that their fate was sealed in their early years, promoting a deterministic worldview that contradicts both reality and Islamic teachings.
If childhood trauma was the sole determinant of a person’s future, then why do we see so many people who had difficult upbringings go on to live fulfilling and successful lives? Likewise, why do we see individuals who were raised in loving, stable homes still struggle with mental health issues or poor life choices? Clearly, other factors- such as faith, resilience, personal choices, and societal influences- play a significant role in shaping a person’s life.
The Anti-Family Anti-Parent Narratives in some Psychotherapy Modalities.
The pervasive bias against parents in many psychotherapy approaches exacerbates the anti-family forms of selfism on families. This prejudice has existed since Freud’s concept of the Oedipus complex, which postulates that a strong father-son rivalry served as a formative event in the development of male personality.
Uncertainty surrounds the causes of this hostility, which appears to be related to the father’s authority and marriage to the child’s mother. This hatred can be subdued in a number of ways, such as through fear, but it is frequently thought to linger and reactivate throughout life.
Notably, despite its frequent occurrence, fatherly love receives minimal attention in both Freudian and selfist therapies. Recently, the focus has shifted to the mother, who has received criticism for being emotionally reliant, domineering, and manipulative, and emotionally dependent, creating a no-win situation for modern mothers.
In the case of both parents, it is high time that these “explanations” be called by their real name- a new variety of the old prejudice known as “scapegoating.”
When will psychological theory be open-minded and truthful enough to give us the respect of admitting that we are the ones that should take responsibility, not our parents or our fates or even our parents, but rather ourselves?
In transactional analysis, where the father and mother are united into the androgynous ego state called “Parent,” the Oedipus complex and the idea of a bad mother still loom large. The Parent is clearly portrayed as the main cause of our issues in works like “I’m OK – You’re OK,” despite having some redeeming traits.
A sentimentality that is almost poignant in its innocence is the idea that children are innately good and happy and that they only encounter negative influences from the outside world (similar to Maslow’s premise). The truth is that society and parents provide a wide range of beneficial impacts, including affection, food, friends, preschool, games, travel, and stories. These experiences not only give the youngster great joy, but they also represent the regular, admirable good activities of a typical child’s life. Strangely, these experiences are not acknowledged.
Moreover, the negative experiences that children generate themselves, which are intrinsic to human nature right from the start—like a one-year-old’s first experience of jealousy or the initial expression of hatred by striking another child (activities that seem to bring as much delight to children as to adults)—are not taken into consideration. The ease with which children grasp the concept of “mine” and the struggle they face in understanding “yours,” their self – all of this is disregarded.
The endeavors made by parents and educators to assist children in sharing, playing harmoniously, cooperating, and more, can be seen as acknowledgments of children’s innate ability for negativity and the positive influence of parents and society. Conversely, transactional analysis views the child as a container of mainly not-OK emotions brought about by parents. The negative encounters are likened to recurring tape recordings that persist throughout later life.
As expected, creativity isn’t linked to the Parent but rather emerges from the Child’s innate curiosity and is nurtured by the information-processing Adult. The Child contributes the “desire,” while the Adult offers the “method,” with “computer time” from the Adult being vital for creativity. Curiously, curiosity is seen as a purely positive motive, while its fundamental tie to aggression is overlooked.
In short, the transactional analysis narrative centers on the defenseless yet inherently happy, good, and imaginative Child, burdened by the harsh Parent, and rescued from losing the “Game of Life” by a self-actualising, information-processing Adult computer. In recovery groups, a major activity involves members critiquing and confronting their parents and relatives.
These groups find that their families were indeed “dysfunctional.” The term “dysfunctional family” is commonly used in recovery circles, to the extent that it is claimed that majority of families are dysfunctional. This assertion might be so broadly interpreted that it becomes meaningless, much like saying that majority of people aren’t perfectly healthy.
Let’s closely examine the assertions commonly made by numerous individuals attributing their problems to their families. Initially, let’s ponder whether claims of abuse, for instance, are accurate. Many factors cast doubt on the accounts shared in recovery groups and often during psychotherapy, some of which were mentioned earlier. A critical factor is the significant societal pressure within recovery groups for each member to recount their family’s negative aspects. This confirms their perception of their own issues and aligns with the broader theoretical or ideological leanings of the entire movement.
It’s worth noting that many of the accusations regarding parental actions are highly extreme, sometimes even alleging criminal conduct. Despite the gravity of these claims, parents or siblings are seldom present to validate or defend themselves. In essence, a recovery group atmosphere can resemble that of a typical mob mentality.
However, assuming the allegations are accurate – and this is undoubtedly the case on many occasions – what purpose does this knowledge serve? Is it truly worth dwelling on any more than absolutely necessary? Consider the prevalent attitude within numerous recovery groups and much psychotherapy, which often portrays the client as a victim of past traumas inflicted by others. This victim mindset brings about two significant and detrimental outcomes.
Firstly, it fosters passivity at its core. It entails a great deal of self-pity and, most importantly, intensifies a hypnotic fixation on past troubles; clients remain captivated by the demons of their history.
Secondly, this victim stance carries a strong sense of moral superiority. Much of its allure stems from the belief that the individual, now grown, is morally superior to their parents. In recovery groups, many people harshly judge their parents, frequently resorting to finger-pointing and blame. They often make minimal effort, if any, to comprehend their parents’ life situations, to realise that their parents also had parents, and so on, tracing back to Adam and Eve, who made their own mistakes.
While recovery group members frequently seek forgiveness for their own shortcomings and vulnerabilities, they tend to display limited mercy or understanding towards their own parents.
The gist of this is to remember that our problems are not solely or primary the fault of parents or even society. We need to stop blaming parents and ‘childhood trauma’ on everything that happens with us.
Islamic Perspective: Personal Responsibility Over Victimhood
Islamic teachings emphasise that while our circumstances influence us, they do not define us. Allah has given every individual free will, responsibility, and the ability to grow beyond their hardships. The Qur’an repeatedly stresses the concept of personal accountability:
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (13:11)
This verse makes it clear that transformation and self-improvement come (firstly) from within. A person who constantly blames their past will never take the necessary steps to improve their future. The ideology that encourages people to endlessly dissect their childhood and blame their parents for their struggles prevents true healing and growth.
The ideology that parents are responsible for all of their children’s problems is in direct conflict with Islamic teachings. While parents have a duty to raise their children with care and good values, every individual is ultimately accountable for their own choices:
“That no soul shall bear the burden of another, and that each person will only have what they endeavoured towards.” (53:38-39)
No one carries the burden of another’s mistakes. Yet, modern psychology encourages individuals to hold onto past grievances and place their failures on their parents’ shoulders. This is not only unfair but also spiritually and psychologically damaging.
The Dangerous Consequences of the Trauma-Centered Narrative
The trauma-centered approach in secular psychology has led to serious cultural and societal problems.
1. A Culture of Blame and Resentment
Many people are encouraged to see themselves as victims, constantly analysing their childhood to find faults in their parents instead of taking responsibility for their own lives. This leads to broken family relationships, resentment, and an inability to move forward.
2. The Infantilisation of Adults
Instead of teaching resilience and self-accountability, modern psychology often treats adults as permanently wounded children who need endless therapy and validation. This erodes strength and self-reliance, which are crucial for personal and spiritual growth.
3. Ignoring External Influences
In reality, friends, social media, pop culture, and societal values play an enormous role in shaping a person’s thoughts and struggles. However, the obsession with childhood trauma ignores these external influences and instead reduces all struggles to parental failings.
4. Spiritual Emptiness
Modern psychology often disregards faith and spirituality as sources of healing. Instead, it encourages people to dwell on past grievances rather than turning to Allah for healing, guidance, and strength. As a result, many people are left feeling empty, constantly searching for closure in worldly therapy rather than in tawakkul (trust in Allah) and sabr (patience).
Islamic Healing: Moving Beyond the Pas
Islam provides a far healthier and more empowering perspective. Instead of dwelling on past grievances, Islam teaches us to focus on solutions, personal accountability, and trust in Allah’s wisdom.
1. Forgiveness and Letting Go
Holding onto resentment towards one’s parents or past experiences does not lead to healing. The Qur’an emphasises the importance of forgiveness:
“Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you?” (24:22)
Those who constantly blame their parents should ask themselves: If we expect Allah’s forgiveness, should we not also strive to forgive others, including our parents?
2. Focusing on the Present and Future
The Prophet ﷺ never encouraged people to dwell on their past hardships. Instead, he taught that true strength lies in how we move forward:
“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, though there is good in both. Be eager for what benefits you, seek help from Allah, and do not give up. If something befalls you, do not say: ‘If only I had done this or that,’ but rather say: ‘Allah decreed and what He wills, He does,’ for saying ‘if only’ opens the door for Shaytan.” (Muslim)
We should focus on solutions, self-improvement, and trusting Allah’s decree.
3. Strength Through Faith
True healing does not come from endless therapy sessions focused on past trauma. It comes from strengthening our connection with Allah, making du’a, and striving for self-improvement. Allah reminds us:
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (13:28)
No amount of self-pity, therapy, or childhood analysis will bring peace if a person does not turn to Allah.
While acknowledging childhood experiences is important, we must reject the secular, deterministic view of trauma that promotes blame and victimhood. Islam provides a much more empowering and balanced approach- one that acknowledges hardship but also emphasises personal responsibility, forgiveness, and faith.
The modern obsession with childhood trauma is not just inaccurate but harmful. It strips individuals of their agency, encourages resentment, and ignores the power of faith, resilience, and personal choice. Instead of dwelling on the past, we must embrace the Islamic model of accountability, growth, and trust in Allah.
