The desire to love and to be loved is deeply ingrained in human nature. It is a fundamental part of our emotional and spiritual existence. In modern psychology, particularly in Rogerian therapy, the concept of “unconditional positive regard” plays a central role in promoting ‘self-acceptance’ and ‘self-worth’. This principle, popularised by Carl Rogers, encourages therapists to offer clients ‘non-judgmental’ acceptance, affirming their inherent value and goodness. The aim is to foster self-esteem and self-confidence through the affirmation of the individual’s innate lovability.
While this approach can offer temporary emotional relief, it falls short of addressing the deeper spiritual longing of the human soul. From an Islamic perspective, the need for love cannot be satisfied by mere self-affirmation or human validation. True fulfillment comes from recognising that one is loved by Allah and returning that love through worship, gratitude, and obedience. The Islamic paradigm offers a vertical relationship with the Divine as the ultimate source of love, which nourishes and sustains all horizontal relationships with fellow human beings. Understanding that one is genuinely loved is distinct more merely believing in one’s innate lovability. God directs attention to those who love and reciprocate love, while the latter remains preoccupied with the self.
- The Secular Concept of Self-Love: The Cult of the Self
In Rogerian therapy, the goal is to develop self-esteem and self-affirmation by nurturing the belief in one’s own worth. The individual is encouraged to see themselves as inherently good and valuable, deserving of love simply by virtue of being human. While this perspective offers temporary comfort, it risks promoting self-worship by making self-worth and self-love the ultimate measures of value.
This humanistic focus on the self leads to the constant pursuit of validation, self-enhancement, and self-gratification. It creates a culture of self-obsession where individuals seek love not as a means of giving but as a means of receiving validation. This often manifests as emotional dependency, seeking worth through others’ approval rather than through a connection with the Creator.
Islam teaches that while self-respect is important, it is ultimately derived from servitude to Allah, not from self-affirmation or human approval. The Qur’an repeatedly reminds believers that true dignity comes from submission to Allah, not from self-glorification:
“And whoever desires honour – then to Allah belongs all honour.” (35:10)
Allah makes it clear that true honour and worth come from turning to Him. The pursuit of self-love devoid of divine connection ultimately leads to spiritual emptiness.
- Divine Love: The Only Source of Ultimate Validation
In Islam, the highest form of love is the love of Allah. While human beings naturally seek affection and companionship, no relationship can fulfill the soul’s longing for love except the relationship with its Creator.
The Qur’an repeatedly emphasises Allah’s immense love and mercy:
“Indeed, Allah loves those who constantly repent and loves those who purify themselves.” (2:222)
“Say, [O Muhammad], ‘If you should love Allah, then follow me, so Allah will love you and forgive you your sins.’ And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (3:31)
These verses highlight that Allah’s love is not merely passive- it is active and reciprocal. It is given to those who strive to draw near to Him through repentance, devotion, and righteous deeds.
Rogerian therapy promotes a love of the self for its own sake- a form of self-validation that places the individual at the centre of their own universe. Islam, on the other hand, directs love outward and upward, anchoring it in the Divine. This vertical connection with Allah provides lasting peace and contentment that human love and self-affirmation cannot offer.
- Loving for the Sake of Allah: The Highest Form of Love
In Islam, love is not self-centered- it is God-centered. True love is directed towards Allah, and through this Divine connection, love flows outward toward creation. The Prophet ﷺ taught that the highest form of human love is the love that is based on faith and sincerity, not mere emotional gratification.
He said:
“There are three qualities that whoever has them will taste the sweetness of faith: to love Allah and His Messenger more than anyone else, to love a person only for the sake of Allah, and to hate to return to disbelief as one would hate to be thrown into the fire.” (Bukhari/Muslim)
This Iman based love transcends the fragile and conditional nature of human affection. It is not based on personal benefit or emotional neediness but on a sincere bond rooted in shared submission to Allah.
The Prophet ﷺ described the reward for those who love each other for Allah’s sake:
“Allah, the Almighty, will say on the Day of Resurrection: ‘Where are those who loved one another for My sake? Today I will shade them in My shade, the Day when there is no shade but Mine.’” (Muslim 2566)
This demonstrates that love motivated by spiritual sincerity has eternal significance. It is not self-serving but soul-purifying,, elevating the individual’s spiritual state.
- The Dangers of Self-Worship: The Fragility of Self-Centered Love
Modern secular approaches to love and self-worth often promote the worship of the self. Individuals are encouraged to see themselves as the ultimate source of their own value, seeking constant self-affirmation and validation. This narcissistic self-focus makes love conditional and fragile- it becomes based on personal satisfaction and emotional convenience.
Islam warns against self-worship and egocentrism, which can lead to spiritual arrogance. The Qur’an warns of people who make their own desires their deity:
“Have you seen he who takes his desires as his god? And Allah has led him astray due to knowledge…” (45:23)
When love is reduced to mere self-validation, it becomes disconnected from Divine purpose. It leads to emotional instability, as human beings seek permanence and security in fleeting emotions and imperfect relationships.
- Vertical Love as the Foundation of Horizontal Love
While Islam does not dismiss the importance of human love and companionship, it teaches that true human love is only meaningful when it is grounded in the love of Allah. Horizontal connections- with spouses, family, and friends- are only sustainable and fulfilling when they are founded on taqwa (God-consciousness).
The Qur’an beautifully describes this divine connection in marital love:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (30:21)
The tranquility (sakinah) and “mercy” (rahmah) mentioned in this verse are not merely emotional states- they are spiritual fruits of a relationship grounded in divine consciousness. When love is built on iman and obedience to Allah, it becomes a source of tranquility and spiritual growth, rather than mere emotional gratification.
- The Purpose of Islamic Psychology: Fostering Divine Love
Islamic psychology differs from humanistic and secular approaches in its ultimate aim: to cultivate God-consciousness (taqwa) and facilitate the individual’s journey towards Allah. The goal is not to inflate the self but to purify it, as Allah commands:
“He has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it with corruption.” (91:9-10)
Islamic counsellimg aims to heal by reconnecting individuals to Allah, not merely by fostering self-esteem. It encourages humility, gratitude, and reliance on the Divine rather than promoting self-glorification.
The desire to be loved and to love is a natural part of the human experience. Modern secular therapeutic approaches that promote self-worship and self-validation as the ultimate goal fall short of satisfying the soul’s longing for divine connection. In Islam, true self-worth comes from knowing that we are loved by Allah and that we exist to reciprocate that love through servitude and obedience.
By fostering vertical love for the Creator, Islam offers a foundation for healthier, more meaningful, and spiritually nourishing horizontal relationships. True healing lies not in the worship of the self but in the worship of the Most Merciful, the One whose love sustains us in this life and the next.
